A brief conversation with my barber, Meredeth:
Meredeth: “Wow, I think your hair is actually getting thicker”
I won’t bother telling my age, but for someone who actually remembers the glory days of the Detroit Tigers and their World Series championship, that’s a nice thing to hear.
Me: “Well, I have been eating more.”
Meredeth: “Maybe you’re getting all the essential vitamins you need.”
Me: “Nope, just fatter.”
During the slaughter of the Lions by the hands of the Cincinnati Bengals, I heard this…
Play-by-Play Announcer: “There’s a lot of Johnson’s on this team; Rudi, Chad, Jeremy…”
Color Commentator: “That’s why you like them so much.”
It’s less funny that the announcer’s last name is Johnson, but still.
P.S. The Palmer to Johnson touchdown reminds me that my wife just got a new Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail. And it’s hard to type with one hand. Signing off for now… –>
You know, I should put myself on the list for teasing you with the promise of ‘The List’ entries and taking this long to get one done. For those of you who don’t remember, and have a fear of scrolling any further down the page than what is on the screen, I’ll remind you what the List is.
I hate a lot of things, things that just rub me the wrong way. When they do, they get added to the List, as inspired by Homer (see Homer’s Inspiration). The List is a mere snapshot in time as no one is relegated to it forever. For example, Taco Bell was on the List while they had that damn Chihuahua as their spokesdog. That’s right! I didn’t ‘Think Outside the Bun’ for a couple of years. Man, that thing pissed me off. Now that he’s gone, I can once again eat at Taco Bell.
So here we go. Drum roll please… The charter member of the White Bread List is…
Old Navy
Am I the only person on this earth that finds their commercials more annoying than ass hair? First was that dog and the old bag of bones. Maybe those glasses were big enough for her to see how angry I was. And where in God’s name does George Jefferson go where he needs to wear board shorts? Nice career move Morgan Fairchild, I know gas is really fucking expensive right now, but do you have to lower yourself to this? And now this new chick from the West Wing. I’m a huge fan of the West Wing, and by default was a fan of what’s-her-name, but now her voice is like fingernails on the chalkboard. It’s like she’s saying, “well, I got my big break on TV, and I’ve decided to throw it down the shitter to work with a bunch of has-been ass clowns that are one step away from VH1’s Where Are They Now? Littered between all of these abominations were dancing and singing male models that I’m guessing are as interested in Morgan Fairchild as the creepy old lady is.
I’m sure that these ads are not created to be taken seriously, which makes them even more annoying. Couple that with the fact that every commerical break contains at least one of these pieces of crap and you understand why Old Navy is on the List.
The ad wizards that have created this crap should be placed in a mental institution. It brings into question the very foundation of the freedom of speech. What good is the First Amendment if it completely sucks the will to live out of the American public?
Stay tuned for more… –>
My wife’s new office + her new stressful responsibilities at work = lightbulb! I can get her some sort of stress reliever for Christmas. (I’ll even get extra credit for thinking and remembering)
I scurried about town trying to find that special something, and found it at Walgreens. At least I thought I did.
The answer came in the form of a cordless tranquility fountain, a small faux-rock desktop waterfall that washes away all of your stress.
There were three different types of fountains. I dug through the Walgreens shelves until I found the box of the one I wanted. 2 for $10, how could I go wrong?
I hurried home to give Erica her gift (since I already got one of mine). Surprise! The insides don’t match the outsides. Unbeknownst to me, it was my responsibility to verify the insides by looking at the little check box on the back of the package.
Stress Level: 3
So off went Erica to Walgreens to exchange it. When she returned home, she realized that the Walgreener accidentally gave her the same box back. Dang. So back she went again. At this point we have officially spent more on gas driving back and forth than the damn thing is worth.
Stress Level: 5
She returns home again, the right one! Great! Where’s the AA batteries? Let’s take this thing for a test drive!
The battery search was successful. Now for the water. 8 oz., just as the instructions suggested. Now for the moment of truth! Turn the switch to on! Nothing. Shit.
Stress Level: 8
Bad batteries? Nope. Just a big piece of crap. And as I banged on the fountain, hoping for a miracle, gravity got the better of the H2O, which fell directly onto my crotch, of course.
Stress Level: 10
At which point I screamed “Tranquility My Ass!!” –>
If nothing else, the fans of the Detroit Lions are persistent. I’ve been a fan since I can remember, “thanks” to my father.
Last week, the Lions fans pleaded to the Ford family to shake the cobwebs out of their heads and realize that Matt Millen has reduced their team to a laughing stock. (In his tenure, the Lions have amassed the worst record not only in football, but in all of professional American sports! )
So the fans made a sign that, with cause, suggested that Millen should begin to put his resume together. It said cleverly, “Fire Millen”. Like a bunch of hired goons, the Ford Field security staff were ordered to dispose of the sign. The fans, steadfast in their first amendment rights, began passing the sign around like a game of hot potato. The television camera crew caught on just in time to make this story a national headline. As the camera cut away from the game, we were able to watch one of the goons do his best impression of Reggie White. Down goes the fan! Down goes the first amendment! Down goes the team! Down goes the fans’ spirit?
No.
Instead, “Fire Millen” signs are popping up like the mole hills that haunted my front lawn all summer. Sign sightings include the Division II National Championship football game (in which alma mater Grand Valley State was victorious again!), a recent Detroit Red Wings game, and the latest Michigan State University basketball game. You can even buy a t-shirt online to show your displeasure. A local radio show is giving away tickets to the next Lions’ home game to anyone who can get on tv with a catchy “Fire Millen” sign while the Lions lay down to the Green Bay Packers on national tv tonight.
In the end will we the fans give up, move on? No. Will we begin to cheer on other regional teams like the Indianapolis Colts or the Chicago Bears? No. the Lions will do just enough this off season to keep us hoping. You know, sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I’m now in my 28th year on this earth, and the Lions have only one playoff victory. Then I look to my father, who I blame for my love of the Lions, and who is in his late 50’s, and who has been a Lions fan since he can remember. Hmmm, only the one playoff win….I guess Lions fans are persistent. –>
The marketing was great; foaming action, whitening power, etc. The good folks at Listerine thought of it all. Their ad wizards did a wonderful job announcing their new Listerine Whitening mouthwash. What they don’t bother telling you about in the commercials is that the foaming action is really a mere thickening of the liquid in your mouth, much like flour turns a sauce into a roux. (Who knew the Food Network would increase my vocabulary, thanks Emeril! They’re really, really, really…good.)
It’s too soon to tell if the mouthwash will actually make my teeth whiter, here’s to hoping. But what I do know is that every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, it feels like I’m gargling with Milk of Magnesia. –>
My friend Travis: “McFadden’s is as Irish as Applebee’s.”
McFaddens is a new hotspot in my hometown of Grand Rapids. All of the radio advertising proclaimed it to be the new generation of Irish pubs. But their ads also mentioned big screen tv’s, a dj, and pool tables. Can you say identity crisis? When we decided to go there and watch the basketball game, I was all but convinced that I would hate it.
It turns out that it’s a nice place. Good food, etc. What we realized, however, is that the only thing Irish about McFaddens is the “Mc”, and hence the phrase “McFadden’s is as Irish as Applebees.” –>
Until now, Homer Simpson may have been the only one to keep a ‘Revenge List’. Now I too will soon join the ranks. But first, a look into Homer’s mind:
You see, I’ve been known to be “surly” (or by the unfriendly, an asshole). And there are a lot of things in the world that piss me off. As you will see, they’re all justifiable (maybe).